mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
