Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
