That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
