but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
