Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
