K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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