She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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