so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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