Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Everything about him screamed your future.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
