I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
