she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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