The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
