Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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