Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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