My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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