Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
