At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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