Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
