i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
