so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
