I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
