I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
