see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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