someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
