Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He passed out mid-signature
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
