1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
