oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
