a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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