Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
