Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
