You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
