I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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