dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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