woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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