hotel room ftw
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
