There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
