before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
