So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
