I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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