so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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