if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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