I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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