everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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