Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
