Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
