So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
