And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
