We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
