explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I supernannyed him into submission
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
