I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
