she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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