I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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