Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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