I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish my penis had a tongue
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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