you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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