Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
